Debt

Lately the daily question on my lips has been, “How did I get here?” My journey in this life started out so charmed. Great education, great parental support, world traveler, and friends who hold me down despite myself. I’m an educator. I teach English, Spanish, Yoga, Writing, and Creativity workshops. I have been to 17 different countries at my last count. I currently live on the Oaxacan coast, where winter never comes and there are beautiful beaches and people. I am the head of my department, which is a nod to my capabilities and perseverance. By all accounts I am living the good life. But I am living it with a huge secret that is looming over me like the Grimm Reaper. You see, education doesn’t come free. And while I had an amazing experience getting my MFA at the University of South Carolina, I did not have sense enough to get funding to do so. I took out a loan. I took out several loans, actually. And I didn’t just take out loans for my education. I also took out a loan for my car and had a credit card. Thank goodness the car loan was paid off. And when I finished my Master’s, I had some time before the loan payments kicked in. I found a wonderful job in the Marshall Islands, and eventually started making payments, albeit small. I was doing well for a while. For a few years my credit was under control, I had money in the bank, and I was making my payments. But then I took a job that wasn’t what it seemed and ended up quitting. I was unemployed in Mexico, living off savings, and trying to “stay positive”. Eventually I ended up back in the States at my parents’ house, trying to find a job while struggling with a deep depression. My mother, bless her heart, just wanted to know what was wrong with me. And I simply said, “I’m depressed, plain and simple, and at some point it will pass. In the meantime, it will be a struggle for me to do the things that I normally do. But I will push and do my best until it passes.” I eventually found my current position at a university in a little port town. It sounded great. I knew going in that I would not make enough money to pay loans, but I was supplementing my income with online work and felt I would be okay. Then the online work dried up. Then the debt collectors started calling. Then I discovered that Mexican banks don’t communicate with sites like Paypal or with American debt collectors. So, even if I wanted to give them my entire check, I had no way to get it to them. I tried money transfer services, but have yet to find one that could accommodate my needs. Meanwhile, debt collectors are calling my parents about a debt that isn’t theirs. I would also like to add that this quaint university job is on a split shift, meaning I work 8am-1pm and 4pm-7pm. There is no bank in our quaint little town, so during that 1-4 period (which is more like 1:30-3:30), I have to get transport to the next town over (which is about 20 minutes away if transport doesn’t delay) to go to the bank and get back in time to punch the time clock (Yes, we have a time clock) so that my pay doesn’t get docked. This is also the only time I can make calls to banks and loan companies and debt collectors because of the hours they keep. It is also the time I have for eating, feeding the cat, washing dishes, and taking deep breaths. There is a lot riding on those two hours.  And despite having given up that time and several Saturdays trying to hunt down a way to send money to the people I owe, I have yet to find a solution. My credit is shot. When I do find a solution, I will likely be giving up most of my paycheck to pay off the debt. And I don’t want this to sound like a pity party, because I am aware that these are choices that I made. I could easily come back to the States, get a “real job”, and admit that I was wrong about this whole "expat" thing. But I don’t believe I was wrong. You see, despite it all, I still believe in this “expat” life. Because even though my public transport may take a while to get me somewhere, it is readily available, economically priced, and safe. Because even though I am paid a wage that would be laughable in the U.S., I have enough to eat well, live in a beautiful apartment, indulge a bit on the weekends, have a cat, and travel domestically. And while I loathe the time clock, I can always get another job. I have thrived in my life abroad. I have been happy. And not once have I ever felt that my life was in jeopardy because I am a)black or b) a woman. This is not the life for everyone, but it is a life I chose after looking closely at the life I was living. The albatross of debt has caused me a great deal of depression and pain, but it will be resolved eventually, as all things are. I hope that it will be resolved without jeopardizing my health, well-being, or sanity. I admit that I have suffered quite a bit of depression over owing this money and not knowing how to repay it. And lately physical symptoms of that depression are showing up in my body. It is what it is, and it will pass. So, I guess this ramble is just a way of confessing this thing that has been plaguing me, and also to open the door to anyone else who is holding on to the secret of debt and wants to talk about it. It is an ugly thing that we sweep under the rug because of the shame of it, but things can be resolved when they are brought to the light. I am bringing my debt to the light. And I invite you, if you need to, to do the same.