Playing the Long Game

I am terrible at consistency. I have so many ideas and start so many things only for them to whimper to an end or disappear once I’ve flitted off to the next thing. Knowing how flaky I can be, I try to set clear goals for myself to stay on track. But it never fails that I miss the mark with many of them. So, when an article came across my Facebook feed with the words "Forget Setting Goals"in the title, I knew I had to read it. Here are some of the goals I have set for myself over the years:

Eat less sugar

Prep for a 5k

Finish my book

Open an Etsy Store

Lose 10 pounds

Lose 15 pounds

Lose 25 pounds

None of these things are things that I've accomplished. Instead, I have run through several different phases of success/failure/guilt/depression/back on the wagon/success/failure/guilt/depression...you get the picture. I was giving myself certain time frames to do things that I felt should be doable instead of focusing on best practices.

The article calls these best practices "systems". I've also heard them called "lifestyle changes". Whatever label we want to give them, introducing practices to our lives, in addition to goals, is the way to success. 

For the past 76 days, I have written 750+ words a day using the website 750words.com. Everyday didn’t present a gem, but the practice has started to build that writing muscle for me again. Of those 76 entries, maybe five have become articles that I’ve published here on this blog or in other places.  While I haven’t achieved my goal of finishing my book, I have found a system that has me writing. It will be a whole lot easier to finish the book now that writing is a daily practice. And because I am not focused on the big goal, there is no failure to contend with. As long as I put pen to paper, so to speak, the system will do the rest. 

 Another goal I have struggled with is weight loss. While most people would look at me and say that I don't "need" to lose weight, I know different. Over the past three years or so I have managed to gain 20 pounds. Those different phases that I mentioned earlier directly affected my waistline. I'm an emotional eater, and every time I failed, I reached for cake or cookies or chips or pizza to make it hurt less. I set goals for losing the weight, but when it didn't come off, I was back in failure phase, which just led to depression and more eating. Fast forward to February 2015, when I see myself at my heaviest. I made a decision to be more aware of my eating and exercise at least three days a week. That was it, a simple system. I purposely only had my weight checked once a month. I didn't want the numbers to be the end game. Since I made that decision to implement a weight loss system, I've lost 9.6 pounds. I did it by using the Loseit! app and by making sure I exercised at least three days a week. Some weeks I exercised more, but the system was set up so that if I didn't or couldn't, failure didn't come into the picture and throw things off.

I think that it is great to have goals, but if they are not attached to our daily practices, they will only affect short term change. In order to play the long game, we have to put systems in place that will support our goals. Whether that is making sure that a certain amount of time is set-up for a certain activity or bringing in people that will support a goal, systems help take goals out of the realm of the "lofty" and the "dream" and into reality. I've seen them work for me, and I know that they can work for you too.

Moving Away from Passion

I just read an awesome article by Mark Manson on finding your passion. Aside from the fact that Manson is quickly becoming one of my favorite voices on the internet, the article was just spot on for where I am right now. Basically he says that if you have to find your passion you are in big trouble. You already know what your passion is, you are just ignoring it. There are many reasons that we ignore are passions, and we can legitimize them all. I won't attempt make comment on how other people manage their time, but I can speak on how the past year has been full of my own elegant dodging of my passions. I have fallen into the work-eat-sleep rut by choice, eeking out only moments here and there for painting, writing, creating, yoga, and meditation. I have no doubt that these things are my passion, as I do them without thought of time or consequences. Unfortunately, lately, I don't do them nearly enough. And that is really an oversight on my part, not the part of some nameless faceless overlord who has tied my hands. I make time for all sorts of things in my day that don't really feed me, but serve to numb the pain of being unhappy in my current situation. While I don't foresee my situation changing any time soon, I still am not letting myself off the hook for ignoring my passions. I know that no matter how tired I am, picking up a paint brush immediately energizes me. And no matter how sore I am, my yoga mat is always a welcome friend. And when I want to tap out, meditation is a far better companion than mindless internet surfing (although that has led me to write quite a few fun article responses that no one has seen but me). I have made a choice to ignore my passions, as so many of us do, because it is easier to just numb out. And it is easier to numb out because I know that if I pick up that paint brush or my needle and thread, I will get lost in the play and not  get back to "work". Or worse, I will cut myself off in that moment because I have to get back to "work".

The other point that Manson made, which I can speak on from direct experience, is that we do not always need to seek to make our passions our job. That maybe it is okay to have just a normal job where you work with some people that you like doing something that is okay, and do things that you are passionate about in your free time. I tried living off my passions, using my art, jewelry, yoga teaching, and other random skills to keep myself fed. It was not for me. I like being able to sit down and create and let whatever is going to happen happen. And what happens may be completely unusable and have to be taken apart and put together a few times only to be taken apart for good or discarded. I'm certainly okay with that as an artist, but that is not a good way to pay the rent. So, I looked for balance by finding a "9-5", only to be put into a position where my energy was so drained that there was little left for passion. Again, perhaps I was just dodging, but the sensation of exhaustion was really and truly felt. Now I am in space where I'm looking for equilibrium- the okay job with the good salary and some cool people that doesn't take up all of my time and energy. And what's even nicer, is that I've regained my faith that it is out there. I'm no longer looking for something that is often prefaced with the word "dream". In fact it is also no longer in the realm of "passion". It is in the realm of balance.

Reading Mark Manson's article didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. But it is always good to have these voices hit us in the head with some truth so that we are constantly being mindful of how we walk through this human experience. I, personally, would love for the word "passion" to just disappear. It is overused and buzzy, and sets us up for disillusionment. Instead I am looking at balance, integration, and whole being. There are so many different facets to who we are as people. The ideal situation is that all those little facets get some space to breathe and grow.  Balance, integration, whole being. And so it is.

Debt

Lately the daily question on my lips has been, “How did I get here?” My journey in this life started out so charmed. Great education, great parental support, world traveler, and friends who hold me down despite myself. I’m an educator. I teach English, Spanish, Yoga, Writing, and Creativity workshops. I have been to 17 different countries at my last count. I currently live on the Oaxacan coast, where winter never comes and there are beautiful beaches and people. I am the head of my department, which is a nod to my capabilities and perseverance. By all accounts I am living the good life. But I am living it with a huge secret that is looming over me like the Grimm Reaper. You see, education doesn’t come free. And while I had an amazing experience getting my MFA at the University of South Carolina, I did not have sense enough to get funding to do so. I took out a loan. I took out several loans, actually. And I didn’t just take out loans for my education. I also took out a loan for my car and had a credit card. Thank goodness the car loan was paid off. And when I finished my Master’s, I had some time before the loan payments kicked in. I found a wonderful job in the Marshall Islands, and eventually started making payments, albeit small. I was doing well for a while. For a few years my credit was under control, I had money in the bank, and I was making my payments. But then I took a job that wasn’t what it seemed and ended up quitting. I was unemployed in Mexico, living off savings, and trying to “stay positive”. Eventually I ended up back in the States at my parents’ house, trying to find a job while struggling with a deep depression. My mother, bless her heart, just wanted to know what was wrong with me. And I simply said, “I’m depressed, plain and simple, and at some point it will pass. In the meantime, it will be a struggle for me to do the things that I normally do. But I will push and do my best until it passes.” I eventually found my current position at a university in a little port town. It sounded great. I knew going in that I would not make enough money to pay loans, but I was supplementing my income with online work and felt I would be okay. Then the online work dried up. Then the debt collectors started calling. Then I discovered that Mexican banks don’t communicate with sites like Paypal or with American debt collectors. So, even if I wanted to give them my entire check, I had no way to get it to them. I tried money transfer services, but have yet to find one that could accommodate my needs. Meanwhile, debt collectors are calling my parents about a debt that isn’t theirs. I would also like to add that this quaint university job is on a split shift, meaning I work 8am-1pm and 4pm-7pm. There is no bank in our quaint little town, so during that 1-4 period (which is more like 1:30-3:30), I have to get transport to the next town over (which is about 20 minutes away if transport doesn’t delay) to go to the bank and get back in time to punch the time clock (Yes, we have a time clock) so that my pay doesn’t get docked. This is also the only time I can make calls to banks and loan companies and debt collectors because of the hours they keep. It is also the time I have for eating, feeding the cat, washing dishes, and taking deep breaths. There is a lot riding on those two hours.  And despite having given up that time and several Saturdays trying to hunt down a way to send money to the people I owe, I have yet to find a solution. My credit is shot. When I do find a solution, I will likely be giving up most of my paycheck to pay off the debt. And I don’t want this to sound like a pity party, because I am aware that these are choices that I made. I could easily come back to the States, get a “real job”, and admit that I was wrong about this whole "expat" thing. But I don’t believe I was wrong. You see, despite it all, I still believe in this “expat” life. Because even though my public transport may take a while to get me somewhere, it is readily available, economically priced, and safe. Because even though I am paid a wage that would be laughable in the U.S., I have enough to eat well, live in a beautiful apartment, indulge a bit on the weekends, have a cat, and travel domestically. And while I loathe the time clock, I can always get another job. I have thrived in my life abroad. I have been happy. And not once have I ever felt that my life was in jeopardy because I am a)black or b) a woman. This is not the life for everyone, but it is a life I chose after looking closely at the life I was living. The albatross of debt has caused me a great deal of depression and pain, but it will be resolved eventually, as all things are. I hope that it will be resolved without jeopardizing my health, well-being, or sanity. I admit that I have suffered quite a bit of depression over owing this money and not knowing how to repay it. And lately physical symptoms of that depression are showing up in my body. It is what it is, and it will pass. So, I guess this ramble is just a way of confessing this thing that has been plaguing me, and also to open the door to anyone else who is holding on to the secret of debt and wants to talk about it. It is an ugly thing that we sweep under the rug because of the shame of it, but things can be resolved when they are brought to the light. I am bringing my debt to the light. And I invite you, if you need to, to do the same.